So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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