I'm so fucking centered right now
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
