apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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