spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
