oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
