I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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