A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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