I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
