your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
splinters make it hard to masturbate
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
