you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Who did Billy Mays play for?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
