I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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