i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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