Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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