i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
