Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
