The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We left an ass print on the piano.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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