The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
