I can text with my tongue
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
