I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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