I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
