"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
