My Higher Power is John Stamos
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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