There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
