oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
