burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
