Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
