i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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