Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
