Don't you send me to vm
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
