Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
