my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
