My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
