Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
