I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
