I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
tell me about the fingering
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