I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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