Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
