Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
