I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
