You smell like a Billy Joel song
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
