She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
