i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
