So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
