I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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