We're facebook friends in real life
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
