Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
