Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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