new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
