i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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