At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
