I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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