the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
